Random acts of hairiness by Gary

There once was a boy named Mao. As a teenager, his friends used to tease him for being a "pei hor", which he never knew the exact meaning of but understood it to be something about his smooth hairless legs.

When Mao was 16 1/4years old, his first ever girlfriend broke up with him because she had hairier legs than him.

When Mao did his National Service, he secretly envied his hairy platoon mates as he hypothesized that a thick plantation of hair on legs and arms helped to scare away mosquitoes. Mao on the other hand, got bitten all the bloody time.

Then one day, Mao bumped into a crusty old man in Toa Payoh Lorong XX. The old man whispered to him,"Ay, boy ah, I got good stuff. You want a not?"

"No thank you Uncle, I got enough blue film liao."

"Blue kee lan ah blue. I one look I know you dunch have body hair, feel damn shy right?"

Mao was taken aback. Did someone paste a post-it note on his back? He reached around but couldn't find anything.

Crusty old man continued,"My uncle's sworn sister's neighbour's grandfather's classmate's yoga instructor's plumber went to Nepal one day, and got this lucky charm made from Yeti hair. Guaranteed to make you hairy until blur. Sell you cheap, only $180"

Mao's eyes brightened. He would have tried anything, but he was a hardcore cheapskate by heart, and tried to feign disinterest.

"Wah lau, dunno can believe you a not leh. Like not real leh, Tell you what lah uncle, see you so poor thing, give you $24 for it." Mao reached into his wallet and showed the old man the cash, thinking that the old man would have been desperate to sell off his charm anyway.

The old man paused for a bit, then sighed,"Okay lor, come give me the marnee..."

Mao grinned and took out the notes for the old man. In a flash, the old man spun, grabbed the notes, punched Mao's balls with an arthritic bony fist, then turned to walk away.

"EYAAARgggHHHHhhhhhnn!!!" Mao lay on the floor clutching his family jewels in agony.
He cried out,"Weeiiii giimeesomethinggnnnbackknn~~"

The old man paused in mid step,"You still want something ah?"

"....yeraagghhnn..."

The old man shook his head, fished out a different charm from his pocket that had a mish mash of short and odd looking hairs stuck on, and tossed it to Mao.

"You get what you pay for."

The old man scratched his bum and sauntered away.

*

Two weeks later, Mao was sitting under a tree in the park , the old man's hairy charm hung around Mao's neck as he admired the hairs growing well on his forearms and calves.

"The old fart's strange hairy charm really works. Lucky I paid $24 instead of his cutthroat price," Mao chuckled to himself.

As he stroked his hand hairs like one would stroke a Persian cat resting on one's lap, Mao noticed two brown long hairs on his forearm that looked unusually out of place.

"This won't do, girls will definitely make fun of how weird these two stupid hairs must look."

Mao figured he'd yank out the hairs, after all, they should grow back thicker next, which was something he didn't mind at all. He pulled. Strangely, the hairs extended a cm or two, then retracted back into his forearm.

"That's weird." Mao pulled again, the hairs extended, and were about to retract when Mao pulled harder. He felt a strange resistance under his skin, like the hair was trying to pull itself back, but he was determined to extract the hairs and gave a hard yank.

Out popped a black cockroach from under the skin of Mao's right forearm. Mao stared at the insect in shock and disbelief. The 'hairs' he was pulling on were actually the cockroach's feelers.

As he flung the cockroach aside, Mao noticed that his right arm was feeling terribly weak. He could still move it, but with lethargic difficulty.

Fired with a sense of overwhelming bewilderment and disgust, Mao combed his body for more odd hair pairs, determined to yank any strange creatures out. He pulled a centipede from his left leg, and a spider from his right leg. Each time he pulled an insect out, that limb experienced a debilitating sense of weakness. His left arm produced a caterpillar, and with much effort from his weakened arms, he yanked a large carpet beetle out from his chest.

Mao was wheezing by now, he didn't have the energy to inhale and exhale properly. Mao felt his hair with his hands, and as he suspected, there were two extremely thick hairs on the top of his skull which felt very different from the rest.

Mao pulled hard, but the two hairs were proving to be the toughest yet. With all the strength he could muster, Mao yelled "Ya~rrgh!" and pulled and pulled and pulled.

Out crawled a giant isopod from his scalp. As the creature emerged, Mao fell back, and slumped on the ground. His eyes stared blankly to the sky, and he stopped breathing altogether.


The giant isopod wriggled its claws, and sauntered away, followed closely by a cockroach, a centipede, a caterpillar and a carpet beetle.